before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
There are leaves in my underwear?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
