in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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