I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
