Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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