im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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