If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
