Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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