you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize