Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
