so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
