My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
