for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
