I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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