I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize