just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
