The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
