How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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