the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
