remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
