there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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