she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
