Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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