if i can run in heels then i can drive
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize