I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
