come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
