I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
