she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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