You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
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