this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
