i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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