I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize