you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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