booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
