God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
