You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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