a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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