I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
