I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Randomize
