Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I wish you could order shots online.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
