i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
