My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
