I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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