you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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