I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
