the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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