ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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