Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
