Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
