Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
