I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
