between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize