Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
