you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
