Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
