Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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