...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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