Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I will be naked everywhere
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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