did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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