Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
True strength comes from lack of pants
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
