How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
