I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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