We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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